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SubscriptionsSites I Read
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| loneliness .
is something we've all had to deal with . whether or not we're in our dark, cold room by ourselves, or in a crowd of people, it's something we as humans are all too familiar with sometimes . but what if, sometimes, it's just a state of mind ? what if we're not as alone as we think we are ? what if we're more connected than we realize ? sure, loneliness as well as that feeling of happiness you get with company are both feelings . emotions that are conjured up in our minds to reflect some deeper issues we have . but, what if ? what if all it takes to not be truly "lonely" anymore, is for us to realize we never were in the first place ?
i was browsing barnes & noble last week looking for a birthday gift idea i had though of the week before that . every time i come to bn, i make it a point to at least glance by the bestsellers shelves to see if the public mind has come up with anything significantly interesting to occupy themselves with . sometimes i find one or two books that catch my attention, but most of the time it's the same old books over and over again . this time i had come across this small hardcover book not much bigger than a postcard . it was the 5th postsecret book . if you have never heard of postsecret, it was a series, and even a website now, that was humbly started as a form of art that grew in popularity . the author, frank warren, a number of years ago, made what i think was about 3,000 self-addressed postcards, and either left them in public places to be found such as park benches, fast-food places, etc., or gave them to people in public himself. the instructions on the card were simple: 'you are invited to anonymously contribute a secret to a group art project. your secret can be a regret, fear, betrayal, desire, confession, or childhood humiliation. reveal anything - as long as it is true and you have never shared it with anyone before.' much to his surprise and delight, he received many of those postcards back, and what's more, he's still getting hundreds more . i believe he's past the 400,000 mark . that's a lot of secrets .
so i picked the book up and began to look at a few secrets . eventually, i had decided to buy it and take it home, and while reading it at home, i came across two stories i thought were significant:
Dear Frank,
It was the day of the PostSecret event at the University of Buffalo, a day I had been looking forward to since I purchased my ticket. I had only one class that day and thought I would stop at the mall to pick up one of the books.
I went to Borders and asked the salesclerk where the PostSecret books were located. I grabbed A Lifetime of Secrets, began flipping through the pages, and saw a torn page. So I retured to it, and I was shocked. I had found a secret.
It was a quarter sheet of paper written on the back of a French vocabulary worksheet in red colored pencil.
I made my way to the register and bought the book. Once I got back to my car, I sent a text to my friend, who was going to the event with me later that evening, telling her I had found a secret in the book I just purchased.
When we arrived at the event, I asked my friend if it would be appropriate to share it with the audience. She encouraged me.
I made my way to the microphone, got in line and I told my story to the girl behind me and asked what she thought I should do. She was pretty emotional, crying a lot, and said, "I think you should...that would be great. I think the person would appreciate it."
You spoke with a few people in the balcony, and to the left of my line. Then it was my turn.
"I went to the store today to get one of your boks. THey didn't have the one I wanted, so I started to flip through the pages of the ones they had. And as I flipped through this one" - holding the book up for the audience - "I found a secret that someone had left in it. So I just want to share that with you tonight...'I laid in your bed when everyone was downstairs and I went to your room to get a hoodie. I just wanted to see what it might have been if I had said "yes." Since May 30, I've been in love with you.'"
While I walked back to my seat, the girl I had spoken to in line was at the microphone talking to you.
"That boy just read my secret I left in one of your books at Borders."
You could have heard a pin drop.
At the end, my friend and I got up to get in line for an autograph, and I found myself yet again face to face with the girl who had written that secret.
We got in line together and I told her my story, about how I found it and whatnot. We talked about how we were feeling at that moment. Then we exchanged names and said we would find each other and be Facebook friends. To our surprise, while we were conversing, people were taking pictures of us.
That was one of the most inspirational days of my life. I'll never forget the feeling I had when I found the secret and then met its author.
The second story is an excerpt of one from Frank Warren himself:
The stranger then told me a story of his own. While participating in a recent seminar in Bethesda, the group leader had picked him from the audience to perform an exercise to help them all feel more comfortable. From the front of a room with hundreds of people, the leader asked him to reveal one thing about himself that no one else there would have in common.
"I was born on July 3," he said.
The group leader asked if anyone else was born on that day. A hand went up.
"I live on Old Georgetown Road," he said, trying again.
"So do I," said the instructor.
"I am writing a novel." Hands went up.
"I am taking tae kwon do." Hands went up.
"I am kind of homeless right now and living with my sister," he said. "I am living with my brother," someone voiced.
As he recounted his story, sitting in the gazebo, he told me that during that simple seminar exercise it felt as if he was having a religious experience. He said he couldn't describe it exactly, but in front of all those people he felt as if there were no strangers.
I told him about PostSecret then, and how seeing the carefully bundled secrets in my mailbox made me feel the same way.
...
Some days as I unbundle the secrets and read each postcard, I remember my friend with the salt-and-pepper beard. I like to imagine that he married the woman I saw him with, that they adopted a large family, and that soon I will get a postcard from one of their teenage children revealing a lucid secret - that all our loneliness is just an illusion.
if anyone had truly gotten to know me during the meat of college, they would know that i was a pretty emo kid . i loved to have fun and enjoy life, but behind it all, i was not happy with me, my life, and the way things were going . i was blinded . i was blinded in seeing the true friends i did have . i was blinded in seeing that i do have much more to offer than i thought i did . i was blinded in seeing that there are people who care about me, even if they can't be around 24/7 (because hey, who can ?) . i was blinded in seeing that being alone and lonely are two different things, but being and doing things alone can be rewarding sometimes . i was blinded in seeing that even though i am the most content and happy with life as i've ever been in my life now, nothing has really changed . there are still terrible problems in my life . i am still single . but the difference is, i see beyond the illusion . the difference is my mindset . the difference is now i know what it's like to be happy with real friends and family, even though they might not be many in number, they are great in my heart .
so to conclude, i'd wish to say a prayer and just one more quote . it's actually from the first story, and it is how he ended his story:
In closing, I'd like to reference one of my favorite secrets. It depicts a pregnant woman with a painting of the Earth on her belly. The text on the card read, "We're all so connected, I desperately wish we knew it."
Dear Lord,
I thank you for my newfound sight. You've given me so much, especially in the last year or so, and it's only because of You that I can see now. Lord, in last sunday's reading Bartimaeus showed his overwhelming faith in You and asked only one thing of you: "Master, I wish to see." Such a simple request, yet many of us do not even realize we are blind. Lord, I pray that you will continue to open my eyes and the eyes of all Your children. May You continue to bless us and watch over all of us, especially those closest to me, that we may see You and Your way and where You want us to go. In Your wonderful name, we pray. Amen.
- j e d i
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| wishing .
isn't what we all believe it to be . or at least that's what i've come to realize the past few days . in fact, one might even be as bold as to put it in the same hat with prayer . some prayer, at least . let me explain .
so as i was coming home from the gym the other day, i was crossing under an overpass with train tracks overhead . now my mother had usually been the one driving me and my brother around during errands and such all the time when we were kids, and one of the things she told us, was that if you pass under a train as it goes by over you, then you should make a wish . similar to when some people place their palms on the roof of the car as they pass under a yellow light or something . i dunno . all silly superstition i know, but i suppose its a lil bit of a habit and i guess it can't hurt = P so back to my story, as i was crossing underneath the tracks i noticed a train was just beginning to pass over me . i quickly thought and wished . i specifically wished for someone and that person's well-being . but as i wished, it got me thinking, because this was a wish i have been wishing for for quite some time now . and as things didn't seem to be going the way i wanted them to, it got me thinking . i'm wishing for what i want . and what i think is right . i'm wishing for what i also am more recently praying for . so in effect, that also means that 'my prayers aren't being answered' . but even though my wishes or prayers might be with the most noble intentions, they're still my intentions . and my intentions don't really count . none of ours do . it's all in His hands . it's all up to His plan . maybe when people talk about 'prayers being answered', it really means, 'i coincidently prayed for what God already had in His plans' . and perhaps the struggle and tough times we go through are meant for us . for some higher or greater purpose or growth . what we all wish for are usually good things . world peace . someone being cured . safety . noone can deny most people wish or pray for fortune for themselves and others, which is very honorable, but it just might not be in His plan . why ? who knows ? when we wish or pray for someone to get better, in a way it's a bit selfish, because it's what we, as humans, want for ourselves, but if God wants that someone to come to Him, then we have no authority to keep what is rightfully His . it's just always difficult because we are ignorant . we are ignorant of His plans and what He wants us to do most of the time, so we don't know what He wants from us . i'm not saying that let everything bad that happens to you just slide by and happen without a fight . what i'm trying to say is, maybe we should evaluate what we wish for or rather pray about . instead of praying for specific things . and everyday miracles . maybe we should pray for the serenity to accept what He has in store for us . maybe we should pray for the patience and understanding that when the time comes we may see His hand at work and submit to His will . maybe we should pray for the gifts of discernment and wisdom so that we may be able to determine and understand what He tries to tell us every day of our lives . but who really knows ? just a random thought i had the other night . just a kind suggestion open for discussion .
so with all that said i guess i've come to realize a few things within the past few months . one of the biggest things i've learned is that, being depressed, or 'emo', does absolutely nothing for you . "It's not helpful if we spend every day dreading tomorrow." - Jai Pausch . taken from "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch . it doesn't make you feel better (in fact, it does the opposite . duh ) it doesn't make your loved ones feel any better . and it doesn't get you anywhere . in fact, more often than not, it'll push you further back and away from where you want to be . and if we can try to be optimistic . if we can pick ourselves up when we fall . if we can take that first step, then we'll be for the better . if we can understand that the bad ish that happens to us is for some unbeknownst reason, but necessary nonetheless . if we can understand that no matter what plans we make, that His plans take precedence . If we can surrender ourselves to His will, then i think we'll be alright . for good or bad . and maybe we won't have to rely on wishing so much anymore . our lives will never be our fantasies and they will never be easy, but at least we'll make the most out of them . without wishing .
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| growth
it's inevitable . something we all go through . yet, sometimes it can be as easy as changing clothes or the hardest thing in the world . because with growth comes change . and change is sometimes never easy . i, myself, have come to grow a whole lot this past year . from the way i reflect about my day, to just getting through it . and with that growth you come to realize things . about your life . about the way you do things . and especially about yourself . for example, i had thought i had gotten rid of most of my masks . most of the artificial facades i put up on a day-to-day basis to try to fit in . for a while i thought i was really molding into the person i really was or was meant to be . only to realize that we never really stop changing or molding into ourselves until we stop ourselves from doing so . as long as we're open and understanding to change, we never really stop . it's like learning . if you think you know everything, you won't learn anymore . but anyways, back to my original example . i still have masks . i'm slowly getting rid of them . but i've realized a lot about the me underneath it all . like the fact that i'd actually really prefer a small group of close friends when hanging out . or the fact that i dont even really need to go out anymore . it's almost like i'm trying to simplify my life . too many details fill up your life with stress and a lot of unnecessary things . i've also learned to rely more on myself than anything else . not that i can't really depend on others, but more like i don't want to only depend on others .
one thing i've found that needs to come almost hand-in-hand with growth, is hope . in order for us to grow, we need to be able to hold our heads up high . i've realized that with all those times i spent being emo or depressed, it did absolutely nothing for me . doesn't make you feel good about yourself . doesn't make anyone else feel good, because you're feeling down . doesn't help the situation . i mean, it's important to be able to express yourself and being able to express sorrow is a good thing . but there's a line . you don't wanna be excessive . although, i know it's not easy . but with all the crap that's been going on, one thing that's been definitely helping me out, has been the book "The Last Lecture" . if you haven't heard about it, it's a true story . it's by Professor Randy Pausch from Carnegie Mellon . and it's centered around what's commonly called, "The Last Lecture Series" . what that is, is traditionally, colleges sometimes have a speaker every month or so, and the faculty speaker is asked to "ruminate their demise and give what would be their 'last lecture' " . naturally, it's a very contemplative topic . however, for Randy, when they had asked him to give his lecture, he also finds out that his cancer is terminal, and that if he agreed, he would be giving a last lecture that would actually be his last lecture . needless to say, he gave it, and what the best part was, was that he didn't speak about himself and what he did . he didn't want to leave just stories or potentially meaningful quotes . he wanted to give a lecture on how to live . his inspiration to the lecture was his 3 young children, aged at 5, 2, and 1 . he wanted to be able to teach them most of what they needed to know for their next 20 or so years in this short 1 hour lecture . and i do have to say, he does an amazingly good job ( i haven't finished it yet though ) . and the biggest thing i kept taking away from his journey, was that although he knew he only had a few months . and still had a lifetime's worth of things to do . even though, he was going to lose everything he'd worked for and loved, he still had hope . he could still put a smile on his face . and not just to make others not feel awkward and put a fake smile on, but because he was truly happy . he was doing alright . and if someone who was slowly walking towards death could take it with a light spirit and a content heart, then i could too . i strongly suggest this book to everyone . no matter what's going on . you need to read it . because if we lose hope, then we've lost everything already . if we don't believe it's there, then how can we journey to get it . so we need to hold our heads up . lift it all up to God . and walk on forward . because we can't see where we're going if we're looking down . and He wants to see our faces smiling up at Him .
stay strong .
- j e d i | | |
| damn .
what's with all the long faces ?
i'm lookin for love in all the wrong places .
- j e d i
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| the thing i miss the most .
about being a kid, is the fact that, even when you couldn't get what you wanted, you could still express how you felt .
instead of keeping it all inside . like a secret .
time to be an adult .
- j e d i
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